Tolkien, artist

What a Quandry....

 So, my Father-by-Marriage managed to get through his surgery quite easily and my DH spent time with him until late yesterday night. Since the two of them often butt heads, I'm quite sure that being there would have been interesting for a fly on the wall.

My nephew, David, also helped out, allowing my DH to get out of the house for a few hours in the afternoon. Today they have a followup appointment at the Doctor's early this morning and then I have an appointment with my Accountant tonight to do the corporate income taxes. (I'll have to remember to phone and find out when my appointment for my personal income taxes is - I completely forgot to put it onto my calendar and I have a ton of documents that I need to organize before then.)

IRS Pay your Taxes

I really hate tax deadline days. I'll get my
corporate taxes prepared tonight, but it's the
personal taxes that are really my tough ones to do.

My Father-by-Marriage's eye health is not the only problem that he has, and his other problem has me very, very concerned. About two years ago, when he was 91, we were contacted by the police about him and his "overly-friendly" behavior towards the younger female clerks at one of the local grocery stores. His actions at that store got him banned from the store. And he has now been banned from a second grocery store for similar activities. He is a very friendly guy, and rather persistent. But he carries friendliness past where it should go and crosses a privacy line. He is not touching people inappropriately - I would have a serious FIT if that was the case. But his actions are close to being called stalking and are making people uncomfortable enough to complain to their superiors. This has resulted in two of his local stores now being closed to him.

IRS Tax Deadline

The Ides of March weren't only a problem for Ceasar, they
are also the day that corporate income taxes have to be
filed, followed by the personal income tax deadline of
April 15th, just one month later. I don't like the Ides of
April any better than the Ides of March.

My husband has to tell him about this latest ban today after the doctor appointment. I don't envy him that discussion because it will be a difficult one. But we are running out of options and it is almost to the point of taking his car keys away from my FBM and not allowing him out of the house. My FBM is an old and lonely guy and I understand that. But there are other ways to meet new people that would be socially acceptable and age appropriate. I won't allow myself near him right now because I would do or say something that I would regret. But I am SO angry about his actions and complete lack of thought. It is possible that it is the beginning of dementia, but if it is then some decisions need to be made by my husband and his sister about what to do with their father. And I am going to try to stay as far away from all of this as possible. <sigh>
I hope your husband brings these concerns to your FBM's doctor. Sometimes early in dementia, patients will be doing wildly inappropriate things out in public, but manage to appear well groomed and really together opposite their doctor, so it's not even suspected unless family brings it up. I think it's an early conditioning things - a lot of older folks had it hammered into their heads as young people that Doctors Are To Be Respsected - and a lot of folks with early dementia can remember what happened 50 years ago quite clearly - but 50 minutes ago, not so much.

Well, he has a doctor, that he's seen twice in two years. Except for that he really doesn't have one - has never needed one. Physically, he is absolutely amazing - in perfect health even though he is 93. I could hope for such good luck as I age.

I went through dementia with my mother and recall it well. There are many similarities. But I am on the outside in this family and my input and commentary is not welcomed in this case. Eventually those who have the power to effect change will take courage and do what is necessary. And I'll be there to pick up the pieces because that's what I do. I don't recall that crap ever being in my job description...

Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate your input.

- Erulisse (one L)
Definitely a talk with his primary care physician is in order, as Steel suggests.

Also, as much as I hate to say it, there is probably a good reason to consider curtailing your FBM's access to his car. Reflexes and response times have decreased significantly with age, and the last thing you need - on top of everything else - is having him either get lost and/or start having small accidents in his car. My dad did that, until he himself realized what was going on and voluntarily gave up his driving. Some folks aren't that cognizant of things, however, and might only see this as a loss of independence. Either way, that's another conversation I don't envy you.

A final thought: many of the social mores have changed significantly in recent years - to the point that behavior that would have been completely acceptable "back when" is now seen as either threatening or inappropriate. Considering your FBM's age, it is possible that he has reverted to the standards of those 50 years ago that he can remember so well. It doesn't excuse what he's doing, as it isn't acceptable today, but it may explain it.

You have my sympathies, and my thoughts and energies as you and your hubby take care of an elderly parent. Been there, done that, and I know it is a huge and thankless job. FBM is lucky to have the two of you caring as you do.
Oh dear, how awkward and difficult for all involved this must be. I'm sorry your husband has to deal with it and you have to worry about it. I hope the ultimate outcome is positive. *hugs*