engarian (engarian) wrote,

Survival Mode, Returning to Roots

 So, as some of you may know, I have had issues with depression for many, many years. I get too stressed and I start thinking about various ways to harm myself. Yes, I tend to be suicidal - not good, certainly not healthy, but something that I have kept under control for most of my life by making appropriate life choices, minimizing my stress levels, and focusing on things that I love rather than things that upset me.

I was starting to feel like this was a viable solution. VERY BAD!

These past few months have been very difficult for me and I felt in many ways as if I had lost my way in a sea of very choppy waves. But after spending most of Saturday thinking about things that should be behind triple-locked doors in my mind, I put another wall of bricks in front of that door on Sunday and thought about why I was feeling this way. I've come to some conclusions.

I love fan fiction I love the incredible intelligence and imagination that comes through the author's words and stories. I am less fond of the politics and the non-story related aspects of the community that I have become more and more a part of. I am over stretched, and I'm not allowing time for what I truly love. So I am going to shift gears in the pursuit of mental happiness and stability and I'm returning to my roots. I miss reading fanfic. I got so involved in other things that I lost track of what I love.

So I'm returning to reading stories. I'll post my blog (this one will be open, subsequent ones will be friend-locked on LJ) because I post it six days a week as an aid with my thoughts and feelings. But most importantly, I'll read. I've fallen behind on my reading. There are authors whose work I adore where I am several chapters behind. That would NEVER have happened a year ago. NEVER. I am pushing politics to a back burner, it will still be there and I will pay attention, but I will be minimally active. I will move fanfic back to my front burner and turn up the heat. I will continue to write and read and it is my hope that through this I will rediscover my true love of the fanfic community at large. It's a great group of authors, and I just need that to be my focus. I'll still be commenting, I'll still be an active participant, but my focus will be the fantasy, not the reality. I think I'll be much happier living in a fantasy world... 
Tags: fan fiction, suicide, writing

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