Tolkien, artist

Survival Mode, Returning to Roots

 So, as some of you may know, I have had issues with depression for many, many years. I get too stressed and I start thinking about various ways to harm myself. Yes, I tend to be suicidal - not good, certainly not healthy, but something that I have kept under control for most of my life by making appropriate life choices, minimizing my stress levels, and focusing on things that I love rather than things that upset me.

I was starting to feel like this was a viable solution. VERY BAD!

These past few months have been very difficult for me and I felt in many ways as if I had lost my way in a sea of very choppy waves. But after spending most of Saturday thinking about things that should be behind triple-locked doors in my mind, I put another wall of bricks in front of that door on Sunday and thought about why I was feeling this way. I've come to some conclusions.

I love fan fiction I love the incredible intelligence and imagination that comes through the author's words and stories. I am less fond of the politics and the non-story related aspects of the community that I have become more and more a part of. I am over stretched, and I'm not allowing time for what I truly love. So I am going to shift gears in the pursuit of mental happiness and stability and I'm returning to my roots. I miss reading fanfic. I got so involved in other things that I lost track of what I love.

So I'm returning to reading stories. I'll post my blog (this one will be open, subsequent ones will be friend-locked on LJ) because I post it six days a week as an aid with my thoughts and feelings. But most importantly, I'll read. I've fallen behind on my reading. There are authors whose work I adore where I am several chapters behind. That would NEVER have happened a year ago. NEVER. I am pushing politics to a back burner, it will still be there and I will pay attention, but I will be minimally active. I will move fanfic back to my front burner and turn up the heat. I will continue to write and read and it is my hope that through this I will rediscover my true love of the fanfic community at large. It's a great group of authors, and I just need that to be my focus. I'll still be commenting, I'll still be an active participant, but my focus will be the fantasy, not the reality. I think I'll be much happier living in a fantasy world... 
  • Current Location: Running late again...
  • Current Mood: stressed stressed
  • Current Music: Philippe Gaubert - Flute Sonata
I find great inspiration and heart-happiness reading fanfic, especially the gentle h/ccccc that I love so much.

focusing on things that I love rather than things that upset me

I appreciate the strength it takes to do that.

*hugs you a lot*
*hugs back*

I'm not so sure it is strength, it is basic survival mode for me. But if it works...well, that's all that's important.

give Pip a hug from me...

- Erulisse (one L)
Do what feels best to you, and reconnection to your love feels the most sensible to me. *hugs*
Thanks. Right now I feel like crawling into a cave and pulling a rock over the entrance (basic Merlin-envy). But life won't let me turtle, so I have to try several of my basic survival methods. *hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)
The politics do take all the joy out of it, don't they? Sometimes stepping back from something that leaves you feeling stretched or stressed is the wisest course. I was reading some very old fics a few nights back, and it made life feel a lot brighter.

Btw, if you need a second pair of eyes for your AinA, let me know. (The longer it gets, the harder it is to be objective.)
They've managed to leech the color and life from fanfic for me. Unbelievable. I need to step back, no...I need to run away. So I will do as Rhapsody recommends and view things from the top row of the arena in the nosebleed section. It seems much safer that way.

Are you really offering to read through my AinA? I would love a second opinion. PM me an Email addy and I'll send it along to you tonight if you're serious. *total hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)
Oh man, depression. Well, hopefully talking to your friends here will help, as well. Sometimes just acknowledging that there's a problem lessens its impact. We can all take a piece of the burden off your shoulders!
Acknowledging the problem is a big part of overcoming it, at least that's what I remember from my days of therapy *sigh*. I just need to find my balance again and remind myself of what I love about fanfic. Thanks so much *hugs*

- Erulisse (one L)
I am always a bit careful about asking for professional help, they tend to medicate and with my addictive personality, the cure is often worse than the actual ups and downs of the illness. I think if I refocus and concentrate on what I love about fanfic I'll pull myself out of the whirlpool again. If it gets really bad though, I'll have to break down and ask for professional help *sigh*.

*hugs back at you*

- Erulisse (one L)
Getting back to reading is a good idea - sometimes we do so much writing that we forget to read - it has happened to me as well.
I love reading what others write. To me it is the foundation of why I started getting involved in fanfic at all. I need to allow myself to recapture that pure joy of reading something wholly new again.


- Erulisse (one L)
It can be an easy and insidious slide into that state, and it takes strength to step back, look at what's going on, and make the appropriate changes. I'm glad you're doing what you need to do.
Oh yes, that slide is well greased and the ruts are becoming alarmingly deep. Thanks for your kind support, it really means a lot to me :-)

- Erulisse (one L)
Reading is the most important part - absolutely!

I love it if I find something good that I've not met before, and can read with nothing but toilet breaks and to grab a cup of coffee for hours. And I check three or four archives every day for any updates from favourites.

Yes - the reading is the most important thing!
I remember when I first found Tolkien fanfiction several years ago. I was absolutely immersed in the stories. I barely came up to breathe. I could hardly wait to get home to be able to read more. I want to have that pure joy again and I know it's available out there.

- Erulisse (one L)
Lots of hugs for you, my dear, and by all means find those things that feed you. My guess is beauty feeds you, music feeds you, and certainly the world of Tolkien feeds you. There is a time for breathing in and a time for breathing out. I'm so happy you are listening to yourself on this.

On the other side of the coin, I've really missed reading your work. Are you writing much at all these days? My time online is so limited these days, and will continue to be for the next month or two. Is there any way to get an author alert from you? ... or just send me anything you write if you'd like feedback.
*hugs* to you, my friend. You had popped into my mind late last week and I was going to email you later this week for an update on your life.

I have been writing, quite a lot between my college work and some trips. I'll email you on Wednesday and get you caught up a bit :-)

Thanks for the hugs, I needed them and am so grateful for my friends!

- Erulisse (one L)
Yes, do take care of yourself!
Cyberspace is not always an easier space to move in than RL.
Thank you, my friend. It's going to take a while to get myself back to a good space and positive outlook, but I've done it before and I know it can be done, it's just hard and will take some serious "me" time.


- Erulisse (one L)
I think this is a wise choice.

I've been in fandom (Star Trek first of all) for decades (crap! since I was 14!!!!!!!) and nothing, absolutely nothing has changed about it. People get their undies in a bunch over something and go ballistic. Sometimes it's worth being involved in and sometimes it's best just to let those who care do so. But to be involved against your own health... been there! it's not worth it.

And I agree there's some pretty incredible fanfic out there. The moment I think "ah I've read all the good stuff" up pops some recommendation and zap! I'm back to reading again. LOL (looks askance because that's how I found you....)

I need to be a bit selfish and allow myself to recapture both my fun and my health. So I'm watching what I eat, I'm back to the treadmill every morning again, I'm writing, editing, and reading, and I'm sitting in the background on everything else. I'm trying to leave the past behind and walk forward instead.


- Erulisse (one L)